It sneaked up on me. I am still not really sure why it happened. That will probably be a topic for a later post, but I have always felt the onset of my multiple sclerosis and a lot of the worsening of my symptoms were due to stress. I have not been under any additional stress lately. At least none that I am consciously aware of. I am also on the top medication on the market. So, to say the least, I was a bit taken off guard when I realized what was actually happening. I was having an MS flare.

MS is a crazy thing, and it will try to make you crazy right along with it. Inexplicable things are constantly happening to your body. My neurologist put it bluntly enough when he said, “Shanna, you have brain damage. This is expected”.

I have a lot of what I call “nerve misfires”. These are the small, inconsequential things that may not even be MS, but still make you raise an eyebrow. Basically, things that could happen to anyone. For instance, that strange muscle twitch that came as fast as it went. Let’s call that a nerve misfire and move on with our lives. Then there is that creepy, crawly feeling I have been getting on the back of my right arm the last two days. That feeling like I have just walked through a spider web, but there is nothing there. I am going to file that under nerve misfire. A definite nuisance, but (most likely) nothing to worry over.

Then, there are the random things that happen that are without a question MS. For instance, taking a step and my right knee buckling underneath me or even simple things like dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower. These are things that could easily happen to anyone at anytime, but let’s face it, when it happens to me, we may as well give credit where credit is due, to my MS.

A couple of weeks ago, my body had my eyebrows raising a lot. It would be hard to pinpoint, but I am going to say it started with fatigue. Since shortly after my diagnosis, I have had a general, but tolerable, fatigue. This new fatigue was not at all what I have become accustomed to feeling. This was the MS fatigue I have read and heard stories about. It was bad enough I will be dedicating an entire post to it later. Today I want to talk about the other new symptom that came with the increased fatigue.

My first experience with my new symptom was at work. At lunchtime, I make my way from the first floor to the third. I still refuse to take the elevator. I will my body up three flights of stairs every day at lunch. It is mostly accomplished by pulling myself up the handrail which I death grip between steps. Once upon a time I was too proud to use the handrail, but a few scary stumbles have taught me a lesson in personal safety. Once I am on the third floor, I cross a pedestrian bridge. On this particular day, as I stepped into the ped way, I felt my left foot slip from underneath me. I did not fall but my arms were flailing and there was a major stumble. The gentleman going the other direction even reached out to catch me.

I got my balance and turned to see what I had slipped on. Nothing. There was no mystery liquid or newly waxed tile. My foot had slid on absolutely nothing. It was odd. Odd enough I did blame my MS, but I also wrote it off as a heck of a nerve misfire. It was nothing that had ever happened before, and I didn’t expect it to happen again. Yet, it did, and it kept happening. It also got a lot worse.

Even transitioning from one type of tile to another would become an issue. This pedway was a major danger zone and to be avoided at all costs.

Oddly enough, the next day it occurred again in the same exact location. It was no different than the first time. As soon as my left foot hit the ground, I felt it begin to slide across the floor and send the rest of my body stumbling to keep balanced. Again, there was nothing on the floor. I had slipped on a dry, flat, smooth surface. That honestly is not uncommon these days. However, it has never been because of my left leg.

By the third day, it was happening a few times an hour. Always the left foot and always the sensation of it slipping out from underneath me. At this point, I realized it really was just a sensation. My foot was not going anywhere except where I put it. Signals were getting so discombobulated between my foot and my brain I felt like I was walking on a sheet of ice. At work, I would baby step down the hallway while holding on to the wall for balance. I would use my umbrella as a cane to help me to my car. If I did not have the wall or umbrella to hold, I would shuffle along so slowly I would constantly get asked if I was okay. One lady mentioned I looked as if I was in pain, but I was simply trying to keep my balance on the “slick” floor.

Here is where the evil mind games come in. I was generally okay on pavement except rainy days. My struggling brain would perceive the wet pavement as a danger zone of extra slickness. There was no predicting when I was going to feel my foot slip. It was happening almost more often than not. The eight-minute walk to my car after work turned into twelve as I would slowly and carefully set my foot down after each step. Tile floors were even more of a hazard. I would come to a complete stop at the edge of the carpet and hold onto the door frame before placing my left foot on the tile.

I stumbled through an entire week more terrified than I have ever been in my life. MS is unpredictable. It is like having a time bomb inside your body and having no idea when it is going to explode. I felt like my time was up. Had the disease finally decided to take my legs from me completely? I had no idea if what was happening to me was permanent or how much worse it was going to get. I did know there would be no way I could continue working in that condition. My body and mind were spiraling out of control.

To be a true flare, previous symptoms must have reappeared or worsened, or new symptoms emerged. Symptoms must last at least twenty-four hours and be separated from a previous flare by at least thirty days. The symptoms must also occur in the absence of infection. During a flare the immune system is actively attacking the central nervous system and causing more damage. Flares can last a few days, weeks, or sometimes months.

Mine lasted just over a week with some lingering issues. I still do not have the confidence to walk full stride on tile, but it is getting better. I have a very specific area of nerve pain on the bottom of my foot that was not there before the flare. I have hopes this is due to gait changes and will resolve as I start to walk normally again.

I have never underestimated what MS is capable of doing to me and this was simply a reminder I did not need. It was also a reminder that life goes on and so do I.