I can still feel my multiple sclerosis flare lingering. The worst of the fatigue has resolved, and I feel I am back to normal fatigue, which is still exhausting, but better. I continue to struggle to have the confidence to walk full stride across tile floor even though I have not felt my foot slip under me in over a week. It is mostly psychological now and getting over the fear of falling. I also continue to have nerve pain on the bottom of my foot, but feel it is getting better, too.

When the flare started to worsen, I stopped making my daily lunch trip upstairs to the third floor. I actually started avoiding stairs all together, up or down. My fitness watch tracks how many floors I climb each day and my goal is ten. That wasn’t happening anymore. I avoided stairs at all costs. I was fearful of a misstep. I’ve stumbled on stairs on the best of days, I could not imagine the peril of climbing them when I felt like my foot was constantly sliding out from underneath me. I also avoided them because I feared the effort was worsening my symptoms. I would have minor issues before I tackled steps, but major issues after.

My daily trips to the second floor to fill my water bottle also stopped. I would walk to the department next door and get small Styrofoam cups instead. This is huge because I loathe Styrofoam. I also stopped taking the quickest route to my car after work because it involved stairs. As hard as walking was, I would take the extra steps around the building to avoid climbing. I also now chose to make the trek across the four lanes of traffic I have always done everything in my effort to avoid, because stairs.

Avoiding the stairs was a huge deal for me. Part of me has always thought not taking the stairs would be the first step in succumbing to MS. I thought as long as I can climb stairs, there is still hope for a somewhat normal life with this disease. Being able to climb stairs meant there was still hope for my legs.

I have this theory that once I start taking shortcuts it will all be over with for me. I worry that taking that one trip up on the elevator will lead to one more and then one more. Then, next thing you know, I am always searching out the elevator. Same with leaving work early or calling in sick. Both things I never do because I am too afraid to. I am afraid that one phone call saying I am not coming in will lead to many others once I see how easy it is.

I know I will eventually have no choice but to take the elevator. I know I will eventually have to call into work. I am not going to do those things though until it is the only choice I have. I have dived head first into this battle with MS and those are two fights I do not have to lose just yet.

I have been taking my lunch breaks outside now. I walk directly out of the back door and onto the safety of the paved sidewalk. I am actually starting to enjoy the warmth of the sun for the half hour I get to myself each day. I am now debating the benefits of Vitamin D versus the extra exercise the stairs give me.

Today it was raining. My heart skipped a beat as I opened the door and saw the torrential downpour. I had just left our tiny break room and it was filled with people. Meaning, there were four people total, which is about three more than my compromised immune system is comfortable with. There are three tables by the entrance I could sit at. I could take a chance and maybe one will be unoccupied. But that is a long way down a busy hallway on a tiled floor with nothing to hold to.

Then, there is the stairwell directly behind me. Only a few steps away. Dare I risk it? I am so scared it is somehow going to magically restart my flare. It could. MS is that unpredictable and I was not even sure what set my flare off to start with. I am terrified of going back to not being able to walk without gripping something solid for support. I am so terrified if it happens again, it may not stop. But how will I ever know if I do not try?

This particular stairwell goes up five floors. When Covid started shutting things down, our department came to a momentary halt. Instead of two hundred plus exams a day we were doing ten. Every hour or so I would go to the stairwell and sprint to the fifth floor and back down at least five times a day. It broke the monotony and was good exercise. That was only two years ago and the type of person I was before MS.

I have climbed up and down these steps for 18 years with no issues until MS.

I stepped into the stairwell and onto the first step. I grabbed the handrail and started to climb. So far, so good. Somewhere on the second flight my right toe did not clear the step completely and I felt myself pitch forward. The handrail saved me. I have learned not to stop and fret over these little missteps and move on. I stumbled again, my heart racing from nearly falling and from the anxiety of it all. I made it. I did not fall, and the three-flight trip had little to no consequence on my symptoms. I felt slightly more unsteady, but I will admit some of it was just being anxious.

Here is the part of the story I do not want to tell. I did it, but I haven’t done it since. My body is telling me to give it just a little more time, physically and psychologically. MS flares are scary. Recovery time is proving crucial and longer than expected. I have biked and even hiked a little in the last few weeks, so the stairs will no doubt, in time, become routine again.

I understand an entire post about me climbing stairs is not the most exciting thing on the internet you could be reading right now. I appreciate if you have made it this far. I think you either care about me enough to stay interested or you have had similar experiences. Either way, I welcome hearing about it.