I feel as if I am standing at the base of a mountain. I can actually see the entire scene in my mind. I want to say it is winter, but I get the feeling it is always cold here so it could be any season. There is a blustery wind whipping the snow around to almost whiteout conditions. I do not feel it. I am well dressed. I am wearing a blue coat that is very reminiscent of my current favorite ski jacket. A jacket that is struggling with a constantly breaking zipper, but never lets me down when it comes to keeping me warm. I am roughly the shape of a marshmallow which tells me I am wearing multiple layers underneath. I have a red backpack stuffed full of supplies, though I am unable to say what any of them are. I do see a cooking pot hanging from my pack, so I must be planning on being out here for a while. I am facing the mountain with hiking poles at the ready in each hand. I am looking almost straight up toward the summit. This is the biggest mountain I have ever seen in my life.

I cannot see the top. I imagine it is because of the weather. I can only see what I imagine is the lower third. It is dark gray with a mostly sheer rock face. I have never climbed anything like this before. I know I have a daunting task ahead of me. I am afraid, but I know that is normal. I do not try to talk myself out of being scared but allow myself to feel it instead.

I am not entirely sure how I arrived at the base of this mountain. It is so massive, I am confused as to why I was not able to see it before. I do know I was lost before I got here. It is mostly a blur. I see flashes of green, gray, and white. The green appears to be leaves or trees. I am wandering, staggering actually, with my arms outstretched. There is nothing there. I am afraid here, too, but it is different from being at the mountain. I do not want to let myself feel it here. Being afraid here means stress, anxiety, and panic attacks. I want to find something other than those feelings. I want it to stop. I want to stop moving and sit down and at the same time, I want to be able to run so I can leave faster. I begin to realize everything here is blurry because it is all spinning out of control around me.

I was lost in the blurry woods outside of the mountain for nearly two years. I had gotten so accustomed to the spinning, I guess I did not realize when it started slowing down. It never stopped spinning. I never got a clear picture of where I was. It just began slowing enough to one day fling me out at the base of the mountain where I find myself now.

At the base of the mountain, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I am just not sure what I am supposed to do next. The obvious answer is to start climbing. I want to. My heart is aching to see the view from the top. I imagine it is going to take a long time and I am ready to get started. I think I will get there just as the season is changing and the sun is coming out over the land for the first time in a long time. From the top, I will be able to get a clear view of what I traveled through to get to the mountain. I will be able to see the blurry forest from a safe distance and better understand why it was so scary. When I travel back down from the mountain, I will know which direction to take to avoid getting lost again.

As much as I want to start my expedition, I stall. I am so tired. I got sick in the forest a couple of weeks ago and am having trouble recovering because of my weakened immune system. Being sick for so long has left me weak. My legs hardly work and my arm wants to contract into my chest. Climbing the mountain is going to take years. Would it be safe, physically and mentally, to start now? What if I fall and twist my ankle? Even worse, what if fall and roll down the mountain back into the blurry forest? How long would it take me to find my way back out again?

Mindset is how we perceive the world around us. It influences our actions and how we think and feel. A healthy mindset will help us make courageous actions in the face of fear or failure. There is plenty to read on the subject, but I found the following very relatable.

Two basic mindsets shape our lives: a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. People with a fixed mindset believe that their abilities cannot change and they tend to focus on the familiar. On the other hand, those with a growth mindset are more open and ready to take on challenges.

https://harappa.education/harappa-diaries/meaning-and-types-of-mindsets/

Normally, a fixed mindset makes me think of people and their values or political views. I feel the quote puts it more into perspective when it comes to life with multiple sclerosis. When I was lost in the blurry forest with life spinning out of control around me, I was in a fixed mindset. I did not think there was any chance for change. I was solely focused on my disabilities and not on any of the things I am still able to do. I was taking medicine, exercising, doing PT, seeing a therapist to minimize stress, and none of it was helping. I did not think there was anything I could do to change my situation. Once I decided to focus more on my abilities, my mindset shifted. I think the shift happened because of the desires I still have in my life. There are still so many things I want to do, but I never will if all I do is continue to focus on what I can’t do.

I have only made it to the base of the mountain. It was a very hard journey to get to this point. It took a lot out of me physically and mentally. I do not even know what happens next. I know I am supposed to climb, but I do not think I know how to yet. I know if I wait too long, the snowstorm could worsen and I could get turned around and become lost again. It is such a large mountain, too. I cannot fathom how long it will take to conquer. It could be years before I find out what is waiting for me at the top. I may never find out. I could decide to take the first step tomorrow and stumble and fall or I could have a flare-up and lose my mobility completely. I do not want to imagine how hard it would be to figure out how to get a wheelchair to the top. Or, maybe once I start climbing, it turns out to be a lot easier than I ever dreamed it could be and I catch a glimpse of my old, happy self along the way.