The main reason I started this blog was for my mental health. It began as a journal and a way of sorting my thoughts. It eventually became public. Not sharing what I was writing felt as if I was still bottling my feelings inside. I wanted others to know what I was going through. I wanted my friends and family to see my struggles and my triumphs. I wanted to meet and connect with others who were going through the same thing. This blog has done all of that for me and I feel it will continue to do so for a long time to come. That is my hope, at least.

When I first started, I made a deal with myself that I would make two posts a week for six months. That is what I have done. Sharing my thoughts and information I have learned during my time with multiple sclerosis has done more for my mental health than any pill could. As the end of the six months approached, I found myself struggling for the motivation to sit down and type. Partly because it does take a lot of time and effort, especially given the increased difficulties I am having with my right arm. However, I also like to think that I am having more difficulty adding content because I simply do not have the mental struggles I had six months ago. To clarify, I still struggle. The anxiety, depression, and grief are still very much there. The difference is that I have found, and am still finding ways, to cope with them better.

I still have plenty to talk about, though, and do not see myself abandoning this blog any time soon. As I feel my mental health slightly improving, the complete opposite is happening with my physical health. I made a post recently about how some people with MS take on the persona of a warrior as they fight their condition. I struggle with that concept and have since the start. I am not a brave soldier going into battle. I am simply a person with a chronic health condition trying to survive. I struggle to view myself as a warrior as I am constantly getting my ass kicked.

So, here I am again, starting over and trying to figure things out. The modified paleo diet gave me renewed energy in the beginning, but that energy has steadily waned as time goes on and my disease progresses. I also need to find a dedication to meditation. Something I have struggled with since it was first suggested to me. At least now I have some knowledge under my belt and ideas of things that do and do not work for me. I worry this is my future. A vicious cycle of starting over and moving on to the next diet or exercise program. A neverending cycle of trying again with my fingers crossed while my health continues to deteriorate. Half a year ago, before this blog, the thought would have left me crumpled on the floor in tears. That still happens, just not as often. The feelings I have now are less of dread and more of readiness. I am not sure if there is anything out there that will help me. I am sure I am going to keep trying until I have exhausted all of my options.

More blog posts and updates to come on the next chapter!

If you are going through hell, keep going!

Winston Churchill