My last post was an emotional breakdown of the turmoil that comes with anniversaries associated with my multiple sclerosis. The dates of the onset of my symptoms and the dates of my diagnosis are particularly hard for me. My goal is to figure out how to find something positive to focus on when I see these days approaching on the calendar instead of wallowing in my self-pity. 

Finding joy in something despite feeling sad is a paradox that I question the existence of. Life is filled with ups and downs. My “ups” do not seem to go very high these days. I feel that, for now, simply finding comfort in something should be my goal. Hopefully, the joy and happiness will follow. 

In past posts, I have expressed both my love and my disdain for seeing a therapist. I dread the appointments themselves. I hate the uncomfortable silence after he asks a question that I have no idea how to answer out loud. I always know the answer. I know what I want to say. I do not know how to say it without losing control of my emotions. There has been so much time spent sitting across from him trembling and in tears. That is not an enjoyable situation to be in. Though, afterward, I feel the weight of those questions and answers lift off of me. I know I will not cry the rest of the day.

A lot of time with my therapist is spent talking about how to cope with the things I am going through and how to regain control of my feelings. I have trouble with this. I find fault in everything he suggests I do. I understand the reasoning but fail to see how applying them in my life will make any difference. I know this is not really the case. Everything he suggests will likely have a profound impact on my life if I bothered to implement the things he was telling me to do. Do not get me wrong. Attempts are made. I imagine it is the feelings of hopelessness that prevent me from fully immersing myself in doing the things I know I should do. Maybe I am afraid of being let down again if I do implement change and it does nothing to help.

Nevertheless, here are some things that have been discussed. I will update as I find strength and courage to work them into my life. Maybe something here can help someone else who needs it, too.

Acknowledge Emotions

Take a moment to recognize and accept what you are feeling. 

There is that word again. Accept. It haunts and taunts me equally. 

I have no issues recognizing or expressing my feelings, though I could probably find healthier ways for them to manifest. If I am sad, I will cry. If I am angry, I will throw things. If I am frustrated, I will scream. I am a forty-something-year-old woman who has regular temper tantrums. I recognize this is only healthy to an extent and while being able to express my emotions is a good thing, I need to find healthier ways to do it.

I suppose once I accept what I am feeling, then I will be able to deal with those feelings in a healthier way. If you know me and have read any of my blogs, you know this is my biggest nonphysical struggle.

Create a Cozy Atmosphere

This is an easier one to accomplish. Since my diagnosis, I have transformed my home. The two plants I had before have turned into twenty. I love being enveloped by them in every room I walk into. It may be that I simply enjoy bringing the outdoors inside to me now. I have replaced my old, sagging bookshelves with new and sturdier ones. The books are all neatly placed so my favorites are at eye level. I smile a lot when I see them. I splurged on a comfortable bed that I will still be making payments on for a couple of years to come. I cover it with homemade quilts that were gifts from my grandmothers.

I have also learned the importance of temporary environment changes. The hug of the warm water of a shower is amazing for easing the effects of an anxiety attack and music in the background helps drown out the thoughts in my head when they get overwhelming. 

Express Gratitude

Despite the sadness, reflect on the positive aspects of your life. Write down a list of things you are grateful for.

For me, this is the love of my fur babies. I promise you, that I am forever grateful for loyal friends and a supportive partner. However, it is my furry friends who greet me at the door every single day. It is them that I know are going to be right there waiting for me. When I sit in my car crying completely defeated at the end of a hard work day, it is the thought of them at home anxiously waiting for my return that pulls me out of the sorrow and propels me forward again.

Engage in Self-Care

Take time for self-care activities that bring you solace.

Another thing I am not great at but have come a long way in implementing the last few months. 

My escape has always been a good book. If there was ever too much on my mind or I was feeling down, I would reach for a book. I would disappear into the pages and forget my worries. I would spend entire weekend afternoons pouring over shelves in the local bookstores. 

After my diagnosis, reading became less fun. I became engulfed in reading books about my disease. Every word was educational or simply sad. Reading was no longer done for fun. It was actually depressing.

Not long ago, I found myself in a used bookstore. It felt so safe and comforting. The smell of the old pages reminded me of everything I enjoy about books and reading them. I was immediately hooked again. Once I immersed myself in a novel, I remembered the joy that reading brings. Those short periods of having my nose stuck in a book are truly the only times I forget about the disease.

Writing has helped me realize that I am actually working my way through things. Healing can simply be a slow process. I think I will make this an ongoing and “to be continued” post….