I was in an awful place, physically and mentally, coming into the new year. My posts have been sporadic because of it. I am finally feeling myself emerging from the dark, even though I can still feel it tugging at me. I think that tug is always going to be there. I will always have one foot in the light and one in the dark. I will always be pulled in one direction and then the other, constantly reaching for the light while the dark tries to pull me back in.

The darkness won the tug of war late last year. I fell head first into it with just that, a fall. It was not my first fall due to multiple sclerosis. What made it different though was that it was my first fall at work. I knew it was going to happen eventually. It was inevitable. I am on my feet most of the day and my job is physically demanding. I stumble down hallways bouncing off the walls, struggling more as the day continues. This particular day I was not overfatigued. I did not feel the need to be overly cognizant of every step. That was a mistake.

I stood up from my desk chair to walk to one of the exam rooms to take a picture of a broken piece of equipment. I had my phone in hand with the camera at ready. As I stepped through the doorway into the room I felt myself launching forward. It was a hard and fast fall. The type that happens so fast that you are on the ground before you even have time to register what happened. The only thing I am sure of is the fright in my coworker’s voice as he watched me go down.

Even though I had been expecting a fall at work to happen, I was still stunned. I lay on the cold hard tile not wanting to move in case I had done damage. My worried coworker wanted nothing more than to get me up. I am still surprised at how well I kept my cool.

I told him I needed a moment and asked that he shut the door so people passing by in the hallway could not see me on the floor. He closed the door and picked up my phone which had slid across the room. I assessed the damage. I had struck my knee, elbow, and hand against the floor. It hurt but everything was at least in working order.

My coworker was concerned. I kept assuring him I was okay. He was a newer staff member and that saved me from having a complete mental breakdown on the tile I was lying on. Had it been another coworker that I had known for years it would have gone quite differently. Some of my coworkers I have known for more than a decade. They have seen me at my best and my worst. They have all witnessed my tears at some point. It was different in front of the “new guy”.

I kept my composure. I gave myself another once over. My fingers had struck the tile and were already swelling and turning purple. I was sure my knee did not look much better. I let him help me stand. I dusted myself off and went back to my office. I shut the door and I cried. Not a single tear was because of physical pain. I lack the words to describe my emotions. It was not necessarily anger at my clumsiness. The tears were not out of embarrassment either. I think I cried because I felt really, really sorry for myself.

I did not think I had broken anything however I knew I needed to report it since it did happen in the workplace. I texted my manager. I did not want to risk another sob fest trying to explain to him what had happened. I placed the call to worker’s compensation which is our policy. They advised that I seek medical attention to be on the safe side. An appointment was set up for the next day.

By the next morning, my finger was swollen and discolored, my knee was bruised, and my elbow was purple. The doctor did not hesitate to order x-rays of my hand and elbow. I neglected to tell him about my knee. I had taken harder knocks in other falls and knew it would be fine. To his dismay, the X-rays were negative. Swelling and bruising, but no fractures.

My physical recovery was quick. However, what it did to me psychologically is something I may never get over. My coworkers were great and quickly started making jokes to help me smile. They all (jokingly) claimed that I did not fall but was instead pushed to the ground. Lots of laughs at the expense of my poor coworker who managed to laugh about it with the rest of us.

I am now incapable of walking at any speed through the department. I hold to the wall. I grab the backs of chairs as I go by to steady myself. I say a silent prayer in my head with every step I take. My new mantra became a mix of “Don’t fall, don’t fall, heel-toe, heel-toe, don’t fall, don’t fall”. I walk down the halls with my elbow against the wall to help steady me until my skin becomes raw. I step aside and let people pass me. Every patient was now commenting on my limp. A limp that was mostly present because I was too afraid to take a complete step. People on crutches were passing me left and right. I was watching the world fly by around me and there was nothing I could do to catch up. I was scared to death to walk.

At the time, I was clueless about how much more afraid I was to become…