What are the chances the reason I would stop writing about the emotional and psychological struggles linked to falling would be because of a fall? Did not see that one coming, but given my personal record, maybe I should have.

I started keeping notes on my falls in hopes of seeing a pattern. Maybe it is a change in the weather or a certain pair of shoes that trips me up. Could it always be near the end of the day when I am more fatigued? What is the pattern, and how do I stop it?

Keeping a fall journal only taught me what I already knew though. There is no rhyme or reason. Multiple sclerosis does as it pleases. I am simply along for the ride in a body that bows down to this disease.

I do not include the simple falls in my journal. You know them. The falls where you are bent or squatted down. Then you find you can’t pull yourself back up and fall to the ground. Nah. Those don’t count. Those are the frequent occurrences you have accepted as part of your life now.

Last night I actually had the pleasure of head-butting the wall. I was bent over scooping the litter box. Not a care or thought in the world about falling. Yet, the next thing I know I feel gravity pulling the weight of my head forward and into the wall. Again, it was just another slow-motion fall that you don’t think twice about once you pull yourself up.

9/29/2023. This was my first fall at work. There is no explanation for what happened because it happened so fast. I was upright and putting one foot in front of the other and then on the tile floor. It hurt, too. I have this ongoing debate about whether I prefer to fall on pavement or tile. Each has its own painful qualities. I think I prefer the pavement. The body seems to skid across it. Of course, there is blood and broken skin. That pales in comparison to the blunt-force trauma you get from hitting the tile, though.

My MS was not flared. I was not walking any worse than usual. Those falls hit you mentally and psychologically just as hard as the floor. You feel almost normal. Then you get smacked. Not only with the hard reality of the ground but also the reality that you are always sick. Even when you give yourself a moment to think you are doing okay.

11/28/2023. Again, my MS was not particularly angry. Still, it was well below freezing outside. My feet were cold and numb, but the doggy insisted on another ten minutes of walking. I obliged and reminded myself to be extra careful with every step. I have neuropathy in my feet. When they are cold, they become practically nonexistent underneath me. I fell stepping up onto the curb. My hand fractured.

12/26/2023. This was the most jarring fall to date. I had done a dumb thing the night before and sat for too long with my legs crossed underneath me. That is all it takes to put me out of commission for a week. The spasticity in my right leg was out of control and I was limping much worse than usual. I was walking down the hallway at work and stumbled. I fell straight onto the tile. I hit so hard I could not even breathe. I lied there looking straight at the floor. I struggled to catch my breath. I added a broken rib to go along with my already fractured hand.

After that, I became scared to walk. I took baby steps everywhere I went. Even when I felt I was capable of taking longer strides or move faster, I refused. I was terrified of falling again.

9/2/2024. Nearly a year. That is how long I made it without a serious fall. Not that this one was that serious. All I got from it was a very skinned knee and a few bruises. It did more serious psychological damage than physical. I felt great that morning. I was walking the dog. The weather was mild. I had energy and my feet were lifting off the ground without much issue. Then I caught my right toe on a quarter-inch piece of uneven sidewalk and fell hard.

This was the fall that broke my spirits in a new way. There was no reason for it. Absolutely no reason other than I have MS and this is the way my life is now.

9/16/2024. This was my first fall that was not directly related to the foot drop I have on my right side. The fact that it came just two weeks after the last fall was devastating. When I walk, I veer to the left. We have worked on it in physical therapy but to no avail. This particular morning, I veered too far left and stepped on the edge of the sidewalk, and lost my balance. It was a slow fall. I headed over into a patch of ivy. I was unscathed, but again, mentally broken because of how it had happened. There was now another worry to deal with.

What have I learned from tracking my falls? I have learned they are going to happen regardless of anything I do. I am going to fall regardless of the weather, the shoes I am wearing, which AFO I have on, or how tired I am. All I can do is be mindful of my steps and tread lightly.

If you have difficulty walking, I am sorry. I understand the toll this has on a person. Walking isn’t necessary to live, but it is necessary to enjoy a certain level of quality of life. Please use aids when you need them. While they won’t prevent one hundred percent of falls, the ones they do prevent will be worth it.

Hopefully, I am done posting about falls for a while. I am over talking about it as much as I am over hitting the ground and breaking bones. I will keep you updated.